"pam": origins and the fishnet saga

So there is this girl who lives in my suite. She's batshit crazy. Not in the "American Psycho"-running-naked-with-a-knife sense of crazy, but the passive-aggressive, serial-killer-next-door sense. Which is far, far worse than the former.

(Note: I will not use her real name. Instead, I will call her "Pam," because it has some letters from her real name and also starts with "P-A" for passive-aggressive. How fitting!)

It's my fault that she lives with us. Last year when my RA/BFF was looking for potential suitemates, I suggested Pam. BFF said, "But she's creepy! I'm afraid of her!" I believe my exact words were, "Nah, she's harmless."

Ohhhh, me. How wrong I was!

Here I will recount some of Pam's batshit crazitude.
~
The Fishnet Saga
Last October, BFF and Pam bought me a betta fish for my birthday. I loved him so! He was peach with blue fins and I named him Silvester. When it came time to clean his tank for the first time, I asked Pam, a betta-enthusiast (*coughNERDcough*), if I could use her little scoopy fishnet thing to get Silvy's rude ass out the way so I could clean his shit.

Pam acquiesced to my request and I headed to the bathroom, where she kept much of her fishular paraphernalia. But, oh! shocksandhorrors! The fishnet was not there!
[cliffhanger!]

A Brief Interlude:
Now, before I continue our Fishnet Saga, I must explain to you some of Pam's...mannerisms? Signs of devil spawnulation? Who knows?! Anyway. You know that little kid Richie in "The Hours"? Or basically any little kid in any movie ever? They basically just stare balefully at the adults and do not speak. That's Pam. She has this habit of, if your door is open, not knocking, but standing silently in the doorway until she is noticed. Scary as FUCK. Then when she speaks to you, her giant blue fishbowl eyes rarely blink, and her face is never creased with emotion. Ever. It's like talking to an android. Or a serial killer. She speaks in this quiet Hannibal Lecter tone and then you start to fear for your life. If your answers do not satisfy her, she will stand and stare until neither of you can bear it anymore. Then, she shrugs, says "meh!" and retreats into her lair. ZOMGWTFjusthappenedtomeee?!

She proceeded to interrogate every single person in the suite as to the whereabouts of her fishnet. Even the three girls who DO NOT OWN FISH. Pam's script went as follows:

"Have you seen my fishnet?"
"It cost me five dollars."
"Do you know where it could be?"
"I just wasted five dollars."
"Who would take my fishnet?"
"Why would they take my fishnet?"
"That fishnet cost me five dollars."

Ad nauseam for a week. Fuck me silly, dude. We didn't know where your damn fishnet was the first EIGHTEEN times you asked! And really, who pays $5 for a fishnet? You can get the goddamn things for under a dollar, but I imagine that would require removing your skull from your rectum first.

Moreover, you left the damn thing under the bathroom sink. What did you expect would happen to it?  Like the foreign cleaning lady knows why the fuck it was under there; she probs thought it was garbage. Which it kind of is, since you could not pay a fish all the freeze-dried bloodworm pellets in the world to climb into that bitch and leave his cozy goddamn tank!

So, after this episode, you'd think Pam would learn to not leave her shit around where the cleaning lady will throw it away. Oh, hell no! A couple months later she came to my door asking to borrow one of my fishular items.  What had happened to it? "I left it under the sink and now it's gone..." O RLY.

well, this got obscene real fast.

The following is a conversation I had with my friend, GG, via AIM. Neither of us has a filter. It got real crazy real fast.
Note: We both play clarinet and GG's clarinet teacher calls him "Rubber Lips." SUPER AWKWARD.
~

GG: lesbian
ME: excuse you bitch
ME: but i like penis
GG: lesbo
carpet mucher
dyke
ME: you kiss yo momma with that mouth?
GG: yea
fish monger

snatch catcher
ME: skittle diddler?
GG: good one
beef curtain designer
ME: hahahahah
GG: labium licker
ME: at least nobody calls me rubber lips
GG: lol
 i know
lucky you
ME: because yo vagina hang so low you can tie that shit in a BOW
GG: mmm i like danlgy lips
ME: you like to flap them upside yo own face
like dumbo ears
gives you a nice fishy breeze
GG: yesss
ME: reminds you of Massachusetts in the summer
GG: haha
i like to lick all the way down one dangley side
then up the other
mmmm
hhahahahahaha
ME: in fact, you use them lips as sails for your boat at Cape Cod!
GG: you bet i do
ME: and all them squiggly hairs trap the breeze and you win all the boat races
GG: hahahahaha
lmao
ME: hehehehehe

bits and pieces.

I had to explain to my dad about Facebook relationships: he thought the only choices were single and married.

~

I was at Wal-Mart with my BFF one day. We were moseying along towards the, uh, "family planning" aisle when we saw a young couple shopping. The man was a few feet away looking at Doritos or some shit. (Are the Doritos really next to the condoms in Wal-Mart? I don't remember, but probably.) The woman was in our intended aisle. Suddenly, with all the glee of a child on Christmas, she swiped up a box from the shelf and literally ran to her man. She screamed, for all of Wal-Mart to hear, "THEY GOTS MASSAAAAAAAGE OILS!"

feb. 2010: john mayer: the root of all evil

So apparently John Mayer made out with Perez Hilton in October. Perez is totes convinced of John's complete and utter gayness and is throwing an internet hissy fit. Also, John recently gave a controversial interview to Playboy with racist remarks. He's a jackass. But, not only is he a racist douchebag and self-hating homosexual, he's pretty much the sole cause for the downfall of the modern world. Examples:

1. John Mayer caused global warming.
2. John Mayer Tiger Woods'd your mom.
3. John Mayer eats babies for breakfast.
4. John Mayer is what made the ancient Maya disappear.
5. You know all those socks that disappear from your dryer? John Mayer took 'em.
6. And look what he did to that nice girl Jennifer Aniston!
7. John Mayer always looks like he's about to sneeze. Clearly he's allergic to himself.
8. John Mayer gave my fish fin rot. And didn't call afterward.
9. John Mayer is responsible for that abomination called the Uh-Oh Oreo.
10. John Mayer shreds so hard he blew all my clothes off. And it's really fucking cold out.

boop boop

So I started Ashley say Relax a few months ago to post some funny shit...and I never did anything. Oops. I'm gonna move the posts from there to here and then shut that blog down. Le sigh. But I'm thinking of creating a new blog to record the weird dreams I have!

what the FUCK.

Oh my God. I had the weirdest, most horriblest dream last night. And it was so long! Plus I definitely pulled a Dane Cook and woke up, fell asleep, and fell back into the same horrible dream again. But my misery seemed to amuse my friends, so I will write it down here for posterity.

So in the dream, I had a boyfriend (ha, that is how you know it’s a dream! T_T) and we had never had sex, but I found out I was pregnant. Then God told me it was Baby Jesus 2.0. No joke. This is hilarious 1) because I go to a Catholic college and 2) because I am not particularly religious. But God told me to keep this shit pretty hush-hush, which was just as well, because for the most part the people I told did not believe me. Immaculate Conception in this day and age is ludicrous, right? But I swore that Boyfriend (he had no name and a very forgettable face) and I had never done it, so it couldn’t possibly be his. Oh, and then Boyfriend left me before he found out it was gonna be Jesus. RUDE.

(I think this def came from that “House” episode I watched last night where the blonde chick from the clinic was getting sleep-raped from her ex…ew!)

Anyway, my mom seemed pretty chill about this, probably because it was Baby Jesus 2.0 and was for a good, holy cause and all that jazz. I was not so chill. Throughout the dream I had this sense of guilt and dread: no one believed me, I didn’t want a baby at that point, I didn’t feel particularly attached to the cause since I don’t identify as Christian, and since I wouldn’t be able to keep Baby Jesus 2.0 I felt like it would ruin the experience of having a child in the future.

So, apparently I had to go to Jerusalem or somewhere to give birth to Baby Jesus 2.0. Moses (or similar Old Testament dude with flowy white beard, etc.) led me through this river to this magical holy birthing center. Yeah. I was super-preggo and had to swim against the freak in’ current.

When we got to the birthing center, Moses said, “There are 5 birthing rooms. You have to give birth in Number 2 or the prophecy will not be fulfilled!” Well, shit! I didn’t want to mess up Baby Jesus 2.0 and totes fail in the eyes of God, but when I got inside some other preggo had stolen Room #2! I went to put my stuff in Room #3, but I eventually bribed the lady to switch with me mid-labor.

There were no dream details about the actual birth, but Baby Jesus 2.0 ended up being a girl (“G’Baby Jesus?!”). I suppose Jesus in all his mighty holy incarnation knows no gender. Whatevski. But being a teen mom and obviously unequipped to mother the savior, God took her back! I was actually super sad because I birthed her and all, but God sent me back to college.

When I came back to campus, it was fall and finals week. I was wearing this hideous brown cardigan-and-skirt ensemble (like what Julianne Moore wore in “The Hours” – yikes!). I saw Soulie, one of the few peeps I’d told about my mission, and indicated to her that I was no longer pregnant. She gave me the thumbs up and said, “Nice, man!” but seemed somewhat concerned as I was very frantic and distraught.

I decided that I needed to see Baby Jesus 2.0 and check on Her, even though God took her back. I ran through the academic buildings looking for Her. Nobody told me where they’d taken her, so of COURSE I assumed she was on campus. Riiiight. There’s dream logic for you.

Everyone was giving finals and I crept through the classroom in search of Jesus. I think I ran into Profe. I don’t remember what he said. Anyway, I continued on and stopped into Mr. Prof. S-gizzle’s class! I assume it was some sort of music journalism class, and the final for it looked insanely easy: he was playing a YouTube clip of various songs and the students just had to identify the songs. I was thinking that class looked sweet but then I remembered how much I hated that other class of his I took and moved on.

I returned to the Quad, where there was a big stone path covered with moss and shit. Roomie was lying at the bottom of it (there were steps), wearing a yellow dress and a crown of flowers. When I asked her what she was doing, she said she was running from the cops. She got up and sprinted away, and sure enough there were some crazy burly Norwegian dudes with guns after her. I chased after them because Roomie has done no wrong in her entire life so of course I had to save her. I caught up with a cop and asked him why he was chasing Roomie. He said that she could not take care of herself so they had to do it for her. (Realization: maybe Roomie was secretly Baby Jesus 2.0! WHOA!)

I was tired from chasing Roomie and the cops, and I realized the cops weren’t going to shoot her, so I went back to my room and slumped over at my desk, exhausted. Then, I woke up … in the dream. God woke me up to say, “Oh, jk, that was all a dream. You didn’t really give birth to Girl Baby Jesus.”

Then I woke up for real and I was scared as shit. What the eff WAS that!?

Chocolate Lovers' Cheesecake

(I tried to condense this recipe to 140 characters so I could tweet it to P!nk...I got 161...T_T)

~

Chocolate Lovers' Cheesecake (adapted from some recipe I used like 7 years ago!)

2 pkg softened cream cheese/Neufchatel cheese

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1/2 tsp. vanilla

2 eggs

8 squares baking chocolate

Oreo pie crust (9”)

MIX cream cheese, sugar and vanilla with electric mixer at medium speed until well blended. Add eggs; mix until blended.

MELT chocolate on the stove and blend into batter.

POUR batter into crust.

BAKE at 350°F (180°C) for 40 minutes or until center is almost set. Cool. Refrigerate 3 hours or overnight.

~

This is what my attempted tweet was:

Elec mix 2pkg cream cheese, 1/2c sugar, 1/2tsp vanilla, 2eggs, melt 8sq baking choc & blend in batter, pour in Oreo pie crust, bake @350 for 40min, set overnight 
P.S.: My Twitter is @ashtree17

just for laughs

A blonde is pulled over by a cop for speeding.
The cop asks her, "Can I see your license?"
"No," she says, "I don't have one. It was revoked after I went drunk driving."
"I see. Can I see your registration, then?"
"Oh, this isn't my car. I stole it."
"Uh-huh. Well, may I ask you why you're driving when you know it's against the law?"
"Oh, I just killed someone and had to chuck their body in the woods. The body's in the trunk."
"Can I take a look?"
"Not without a warrant."
The cop calls for backup; five police cars surround the woman; they call a judge and get a warrant. The officer pops the trunk; it's empty.
The officer's superior is talking to the woman, who has meanwhile produced a (valid) license and (valid) registration. The woman is absolutely indignant.
"I'm terribly sorry about this, ma'am," the sheriff says. "My colleague believed that you had stolen this car, had a revoked license, and had just committed murder."
"I'll bet the bastard told you I was speeding , too!"