Manfriend? Not yet.

RA/BFF: is that yer manfriend that you breakfast with??
ME: nah, just breakfast friend
RA/BFF: winkwink
ME: hehe we like each other enough to be friends, but we'd probs end up killing each other if we were "friendddddddds"
RA/BFF: ooooo
ME: so it's funny that you mistook The Swimmer for my manfriend
ME: because The Environmentalist practically proposed marriage to me the other day
RA/BFF: oooo
RA/BFF: does the ashtree like any of her suitors?
ME: just as friends
ME: there is a dude I kind of like, but he is none of the above
RA/BFF: do tell
ME: I met him at orientation, and he is going to be an RA next year
RA/BFF: ooo!! adorable
ME: yes heeehee
ME: but the thing is, I don't really want a boyfriend right now and I don't know if he likes me back anyway
RA/BFF: nothing wrong with that
ME: I feel like a lot of people are like "omg let's get BOYFRANNNS" and I'm like "mmm not so much"
RA/BFF: nah that's todo bueno
RA/BFF: i didn't want a boyfriend either
RA/BFF: mine just happened
ME: sweet deal!
RA/BFF: and he is awesome so i guess i will keep him :) hehe
ME: I figure when I am ready to be girlfriend material it will happen then
RA/BFF: relationships mean more when you're in them not just to be in one anyway...y'know what i mean??
ME: yeah!
ME: I feel like it's so high school to be running around desperate for a boyfriend
RA/BFF: mhm agreed
RA/BFF: and random hookups are for hobags
ME: I like being my own woman right now, I have the next 3 years to focus on me!

10 More Things.

Yeah, that's right.

1. I am very particular about the most random things, like what color pens I use for certain classes, but I'm pretty messy otherwise.
2. My favorite color is green. I believe I started using Garnier Fructis Sleek and Shine Shampoo mostly because the bottle is green.
3. I have a running list of future husbands, both famous and un-...
4. ...yet I don't know if I will ever be stable enough or overcome my commitment phobia to actually be in a relationship.
5. I like being alone, but I cannot stand being lonely.
6. Naked Saturdays. Enough said.
7. I tend to overshare too fast. I latch on to people quickly and rarely let go.
8. Sometimes #7 leads to me getting too invested in other people's problems, and I lose sleep over it, leaving less time and energy for those who actually need me...and myself.
9. I stay up horribly late to do homework that is due the next day. This makes for me being a loud, clunky roomie. But she still adores me.
10. Some days, I lose faith in myself and what I want to do in life. Thank God I did in November, because then I would have stuck with the education/career path I didn't want and didn't like. Now I think I'm in the right direction.
    

Chili's, Act II

ME: You know, Pants once told me that waiters and waitresses are trained to come ask how everything is when your mouth is full of food. That way, you can't say it's bad.
MOM: Yeah? And where did she waitress to learn that?
ME: I don't knowww...she told me back in Girl Scouts...
MOM: Do you really think the waiters have enough time on a busy night like this to look around and see if everyone's mouth is full before they come over and ask if everything's okay?
ME: Probably not... [looks down at plate sheepishly]
[Everyone starts eating again.]
[Charlie, the waiter, arrives.]
CHARLIE: Everything okay here, folks?
[Everyone nods with their mouths full. Charlie leaves.]
ME: HA! Who called that?!
MOM: ...you did.

We went to Chili's...

ME: That was a really good dinner!
DAD: It ought to be for $60...
ME: Just once, can't we enjoy something without complaining about the price? All I ever hear is, "It ought to be good for $X..."
DAD: We work hard for our money!
MOM: It's just when you go to a place and the service is slow and the staff is indifferent and rude, it feels like you didn't get the best deal.
[to Dad] You had enough money, didn't you?
ME: Dad, maybe you should start stripping for old ladies again...haha!
DAD: Your mother doesn't pay me.
MOM: Hey!
[Dad laughs mischievously.]

Bruises

I'm looking at myself in the mirror. And I'm thinking, good lord. Where do they come from? I've got one painted on my collarbone, a quick splotch of fading yellow. Along my shoulders and back, barely even risen yet from a slide down the stairs. Just above my left elbow, a deep blue, nearly black, giving me a twinge every time I bend my arm. Small drips of blue and green along my legs. A large one just above my ankle, the color of a thick, murky twilight. My left foot is covered with them, red and blue and yellow, all in different stages of healing. Where do they come from?

Sometimes I think there is more than one reason I don't have a boyfriend. Is it because I'm afraid of being dumped? Hesitant to share myself with someone? Or is it simply because I don't want him to see the bruises? Maybe he'd see them as a work of art, a painted canvas, a reminder of who I am and where I've been.

But I doubt that.

Spooning

I was laying in my bed, my arms curled around my pillow, snuggled and warm. Content. I began to think about spooning. How good it feels to have the warmth and weight of someone against you, someone to make you feel safe and loved. And then I realized it. No one ever makes me feel safe and loved. Because I am always the big spoon.

With my sister, my sweet sister, I'm the big spoon, the protector. Same with the friends that I cuddle with when watching movies or when I'm keeping them from dying of alcohol poisoning in the night. I'm the big spoon. I thought about the boy that I'd spent a night with, how we hadn't cuddled, since there had been no room. But I know that if we had, I would have been the big spoon there too. No one is strong enough to be my big spoon. I do not trust them at my back, I do not believe they can protect me.

And so, I've got a new goal in life. I am searching for my Big Spoon.