(Note: I will not use her real name. Instead, I will call her "Pam," because it has some letters from her real name and also starts with "P-A" for passive-aggressive. How fitting!)
It's my fault that she lives with us. Last year when my RA/BFF was looking for potential suitemates, I suggested Pam. BFF said, "But she's creepy! I'm afraid of her!" I believe my exact words were, "Nah, she's harmless."
Ohhhh, me. How wrong I was!
Here I will recount some of Pam's batshit crazitude.
~
The Fishnet Saga
Last October, BFF and Pam bought me a betta fish for my birthday. I loved him so! He was peach with blue fins and I named him Silvester. When it came time to clean his tank for the first time, I asked Pam, a betta-enthusiast (*coughNERDcough*), if I could use her little scoopy fishnet thing to get Silvy's rude ass out the way so I could clean his shit.
Pam acquiesced to my request and I headed to the bathroom, where she kept much of her fishular paraphernalia. But, oh! shocksandhorrors! The fishnet was not there!
[cliffhanger!]
A Brief Interlude:
Now, before I continue our Fishnet Saga, I must explain to you some of Pam's...mannerisms? Signs of devil spawnulation? Who knows?! Anyway. You know that little kid Richie in "The Hours"? Or basically any little kid in any movie ever? They basically just stare balefully at the adults and do not speak. That's Pam. She has this habit of, if your door is open, not knocking, but standing silently in the doorway until she is noticed. Scary as FUCK. Then when she speaks to you, her giant blue fishbowl eyes rarely blink, and her face is never creased with emotion. Ever. It's like talking to an android. Or a serial killer. She speaks in this quiet Hannibal Lecter tone and then you start to fear for your life. If your answers do not satisfy her, she will stand and stare until neither of you can bear it anymore. Then, she shrugs, says "meh!" and retreats into her lair. ZOMGWTFjusthappenedtomeee?!
She proceeded to interrogate every single person in the suite as to the whereabouts of her fishnet. Even the three girls who DO NOT OWN FISH. Pam's script went as follows:
"Have you seen my fishnet?"
"It cost me five dollars."
"Do you know where it could be?"
"I just wasted five dollars."
"Who would take my fishnet?"
"Why would they take my fishnet?"
"That fishnet cost me five dollars."
Ad nauseam for a week. Fuck me silly, dude. We didn't know where your damn fishnet was the first EIGHTEEN times you asked! And really, who pays $5 for a fishnet? You can get the goddamn things for under a dollar, but I imagine that would require removing your skull from your rectum first.
Moreover, you left the damn thing under the bathroom sink. What did you expect would happen to it? Like the foreign cleaning lady knows why the fuck it was under there; she probs thought it was garbage. Which it kind of is, since you could not pay a fish all the freeze-dried bloodworm pellets in the world to climb into that bitch and leave his cozy goddamn tank!
So, after this episode, you'd think Pam would learn to not leave her shit around where the cleaning lady will throw it away. Oh, hell no! A couple months later she came to my door asking to borrow one of my fishular items. What had happened to it? "I left it under the sink and now it's gone..." O RLY.
