Exphairiment. Day 2.

Pants, Soulie, the Bachelorette, and I are embarking on a new scientific quest. According to Glamour's 70th anniversary issue, if one uses conditioner on one's hair BEFORE shampooing, one will have better-moisturized hair. The four of us scientists wish to test this theory.
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HYPOTHESIS: Conditioner + shampoo + rinse + more conditioner = optimal hair moisturization
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Ashtree's Preliminary Results:
Shampoo: Garnier Fructis Sleek & Shine

• Day 1: I forgot what happened. But my hair laid nicely today.
• Day 2: Hair = v. easily combed.

Dear Pants.

Dear Sarah,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but our socks don’t match. I think I realized it when we skinny-dipped in the bathtub at the mental hospital and I saw you carve your initials into your My Little Pony collection. I'm sure you're open enough to understand the Middle East is planning their revenge on you. I'm returning your toe ring to you, but I'll keep my virginity as a memory. You should also know that I am better off without you and I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo.

With tears of sadness,
Ashes

Love(less) letter.

Here's how you do it:
Dear (someone you recently talked to),
I don't really know how to tell you this, but (1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5) I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).

(12),
your name

.:.

1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
Purple - Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other (or no shirt!) -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forrest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August - When you smacked my ass
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I finally changed my underwear

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
Chicken- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Fish - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Other - With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bit of
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Green - Sit on
Barefoot/other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other -The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Other -shamed

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Silly - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exist
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching Snoopy underwear
Purple - Your South Park blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your Hannah Montana underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - My virginity
C/D - Your photo with the moustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbors dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorities that you stole the whale from the backyard
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Hate your cooking
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R - Always wanted to break your legs
S/T - Get sick when I think of your feet
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine - Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – I'm scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war
Mineral/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Best of luck on the sex change
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Canada – Please don’t hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Greetings to your frog Leonard
England - Go drown yourself

10 More Things.

Yeah, that's right.

1. I am very particular about the most random things, like what color pens I use for certain classes, but I'm pretty messy otherwise.
2. My favorite color is green. I believe I started using Garnier Fructis Sleek and Shine Shampoo mostly because the bottle is green.
3. I have a running list of future husbands, both famous and un-...
4. ...yet I don't know if I will ever be stable enough or overcome my commitment phobia to actually be in a relationship.
5. I like being alone, but I cannot stand being lonely.
6. Naked Saturdays. Enough said.
7. I tend to overshare too fast. I latch on to people quickly and rarely let go.
8. Sometimes #7 leads to me getting too invested in other people's problems, and I lose sleep over it, leaving less time and energy for those who actually need me...and myself.
9. I stay up horribly late to do homework that is due the next day. This makes for me being a loud, clunky roomie. But she still adores me.
10. Some days, I lose faith in myself and what I want to do in life. Thank God I did in November, because then I would have stuck with the education/career path I didn't want and didn't like. Now I think I'm in the right direction.
    

10 Things

I do believe I will coerce Ash to do this as well. Because I find it fascinating.

1. I am prickly, defensive, and difficult to get close to.
2. I find it difficult to trust.
3. Once that trust is gained, though, it is yours to do with what you wish.
4. I detest liars, cheaters, and adulterers. There is very little which I abhor more.
5. I often realize the hypocrisies and inconsistencies within myself.
6. I've decided there's not a whole lot I can do about it though...
7. I love razor pointed sharpies.
8. Consequently, I have doodled all over my books with them.
9. I've been told that I'm overly cheerful and optimistic.
10. Paired with numbers 1 and 2, number 9 proves number 5.