Dear Pants.

Dear Sarah,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but our socks don’t match. I think I realized it when we skinny-dipped in the bathtub at the mental hospital and I saw you carve your initials into your My Little Pony collection. I'm sure you're open enough to understand the Middle East is planning their revenge on you. I'm returning your toe ring to you, but I'll keep my virginity as a memory. You should also know that I am better off without you and I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo.

With tears of sadness,
Ashes