"pam": origins and the fishnet saga

So there is this girl who lives in my suite. She's batshit crazy. Not in the "American Psycho"-running-naked-with-a-knife sense of crazy, but the passive-aggressive, serial-killer-next-door sense. Which is far, far worse than the former.

(Note: I will not use her real name. Instead, I will call her "Pam," because it has some letters from her real name and also starts with "P-A" for passive-aggressive. How fitting!)

It's my fault that she lives with us. Last year when my RA/BFF was looking for potential suitemates, I suggested Pam. BFF said, "But she's creepy! I'm afraid of her!" I believe my exact words were, "Nah, she's harmless."

Ohhhh, me. How wrong I was!

Here I will recount some of Pam's batshit crazitude.
~
The Fishnet Saga
Last October, BFF and Pam bought me a betta fish for my birthday. I loved him so! He was peach with blue fins and I named him Silvester. When it came time to clean his tank for the first time, I asked Pam, a betta-enthusiast (*coughNERDcough*), if I could use her little scoopy fishnet thing to get Silvy's rude ass out the way so I could clean his shit.

Pam acquiesced to my request and I headed to the bathroom, where she kept much of her fishular paraphernalia. But, oh! shocksandhorrors! The fishnet was not there!
[cliffhanger!]

A Brief Interlude:
Now, before I continue our Fishnet Saga, I must explain to you some of Pam's...mannerisms? Signs of devil spawnulation? Who knows?! Anyway. You know that little kid Richie in "The Hours"? Or basically any little kid in any movie ever? They basically just stare balefully at the adults and do not speak. That's Pam. She has this habit of, if your door is open, not knocking, but standing silently in the doorway until she is noticed. Scary as FUCK. Then when she speaks to you, her giant blue fishbowl eyes rarely blink, and her face is never creased with emotion. Ever. It's like talking to an android. Or a serial killer. She speaks in this quiet Hannibal Lecter tone and then you start to fear for your life. If your answers do not satisfy her, she will stand and stare until neither of you can bear it anymore. Then, she shrugs, says "meh!" and retreats into her lair. ZOMGWTFjusthappenedtomeee?!

She proceeded to interrogate every single person in the suite as to the whereabouts of her fishnet. Even the three girls who DO NOT OWN FISH. Pam's script went as follows:

"Have you seen my fishnet?"
"It cost me five dollars."
"Do you know where it could be?"
"I just wasted five dollars."
"Who would take my fishnet?"
"Why would they take my fishnet?"
"That fishnet cost me five dollars."

Ad nauseam for a week. Fuck me silly, dude. We didn't know where your damn fishnet was the first EIGHTEEN times you asked! And really, who pays $5 for a fishnet? You can get the goddamn things for under a dollar, but I imagine that would require removing your skull from your rectum first.

Moreover, you left the damn thing under the bathroom sink. What did you expect would happen to it?  Like the foreign cleaning lady knows why the fuck it was under there; she probs thought it was garbage. Which it kind of is, since you could not pay a fish all the freeze-dried bloodworm pellets in the world to climb into that bitch and leave his cozy goddamn tank!

So, after this episode, you'd think Pam would learn to not leave her shit around where the cleaning lady will throw it away. Oh, hell no! A couple months later she came to my door asking to borrow one of my fishular items.  What had happened to it? "I left it under the sink and now it's gone..." O RLY.

well, this got obscene real fast.

The following is a conversation I had with my friend, GG, via AIM. Neither of us has a filter. It got real crazy real fast.
Note: We both play clarinet and GG's clarinet teacher calls him "Rubber Lips." SUPER AWKWARD.
~

GG: lesbian
ME: excuse you bitch
ME: but i like penis
GG: lesbo
carpet mucher
dyke
ME: you kiss yo momma with that mouth?
GG: yea
fish monger

snatch catcher
ME: skittle diddler?
GG: good one
beef curtain designer
ME: hahahahah
GG: labium licker
ME: at least nobody calls me rubber lips
GG: lol
 i know
lucky you
ME: because yo vagina hang so low you can tie that shit in a BOW
GG: mmm i like danlgy lips
ME: you like to flap them upside yo own face
like dumbo ears
gives you a nice fishy breeze
GG: yesss
ME: reminds you of Massachusetts in the summer
GG: haha
i like to lick all the way down one dangley side
then up the other
mmmm
hhahahahahaha
ME: in fact, you use them lips as sails for your boat at Cape Cod!
GG: you bet i do
ME: and all them squiggly hairs trap the breeze and you win all the boat races
GG: hahahahaha
lmao
ME: hehehehehe

bits and pieces.

I had to explain to my dad about Facebook relationships: he thought the only choices were single and married.

~

I was at Wal-Mart with my BFF one day. We were moseying along towards the, uh, "family planning" aisle when we saw a young couple shopping. The man was a few feet away looking at Doritos or some shit. (Are the Doritos really next to the condoms in Wal-Mart? I don't remember, but probably.) The woman was in our intended aisle. Suddenly, with all the glee of a child on Christmas, she swiped up a box from the shelf and literally ran to her man. She screamed, for all of Wal-Mart to hear, "THEY GOTS MASSAAAAAAAGE OILS!"

feb. 2010: john mayer: the root of all evil

So apparently John Mayer made out with Perez Hilton in October. Perez is totes convinced of John's complete and utter gayness and is throwing an internet hissy fit. Also, John recently gave a controversial interview to Playboy with racist remarks. He's a jackass. But, not only is he a racist douchebag and self-hating homosexual, he's pretty much the sole cause for the downfall of the modern world. Examples:

1. John Mayer caused global warming.
2. John Mayer Tiger Woods'd your mom.
3. John Mayer eats babies for breakfast.
4. John Mayer is what made the ancient Maya disappear.
5. You know all those socks that disappear from your dryer? John Mayer took 'em.
6. And look what he did to that nice girl Jennifer Aniston!
7. John Mayer always looks like he's about to sneeze. Clearly he's allergic to himself.
8. John Mayer gave my fish fin rot. And didn't call afterward.
9. John Mayer is responsible for that abomination called the Uh-Oh Oreo.
10. John Mayer shreds so hard he blew all my clothes off. And it's really fucking cold out.

boop boop

So I started Ashley say Relax a few months ago to post some funny shit...and I never did anything. Oops. I'm gonna move the posts from there to here and then shut that blog down. Le sigh. But I'm thinking of creating a new blog to record the weird dreams I have!

what the FUCK.

Oh my God. I had the weirdest, most horriblest dream last night. And it was so long! Plus I definitely pulled a Dane Cook and woke up, fell asleep, and fell back into the same horrible dream again. But my misery seemed to amuse my friends, so I will write it down here for posterity.

So in the dream, I had a boyfriend (ha, that is how you know it’s a dream! T_T) and we had never had sex, but I found out I was pregnant. Then God told me it was Baby Jesus 2.0. No joke. This is hilarious 1) because I go to a Catholic college and 2) because I am not particularly religious. But God told me to keep this shit pretty hush-hush, which was just as well, because for the most part the people I told did not believe me. Immaculate Conception in this day and age is ludicrous, right? But I swore that Boyfriend (he had no name and a very forgettable face) and I had never done it, so it couldn’t possibly be his. Oh, and then Boyfriend left me before he found out it was gonna be Jesus. RUDE.

(I think this def came from that “House” episode I watched last night where the blonde chick from the clinic was getting sleep-raped from her ex…ew!)

Anyway, my mom seemed pretty chill about this, probably because it was Baby Jesus 2.0 and was for a good, holy cause and all that jazz. I was not so chill. Throughout the dream I had this sense of guilt and dread: no one believed me, I didn’t want a baby at that point, I didn’t feel particularly attached to the cause since I don’t identify as Christian, and since I wouldn’t be able to keep Baby Jesus 2.0 I felt like it would ruin the experience of having a child in the future.

So, apparently I had to go to Jerusalem or somewhere to give birth to Baby Jesus 2.0. Moses (or similar Old Testament dude with flowy white beard, etc.) led me through this river to this magical holy birthing center. Yeah. I was super-preggo and had to swim against the freak in’ current.

When we got to the birthing center, Moses said, “There are 5 birthing rooms. You have to give birth in Number 2 or the prophecy will not be fulfilled!” Well, shit! I didn’t want to mess up Baby Jesus 2.0 and totes fail in the eyes of God, but when I got inside some other preggo had stolen Room #2! I went to put my stuff in Room #3, but I eventually bribed the lady to switch with me mid-labor.

There were no dream details about the actual birth, but Baby Jesus 2.0 ended up being a girl (“G’Baby Jesus?!”). I suppose Jesus in all his mighty holy incarnation knows no gender. Whatevski. But being a teen mom and obviously unequipped to mother the savior, God took her back! I was actually super sad because I birthed her and all, but God sent me back to college.

When I came back to campus, it was fall and finals week. I was wearing this hideous brown cardigan-and-skirt ensemble (like what Julianne Moore wore in “The Hours” – yikes!). I saw Soulie, one of the few peeps I’d told about my mission, and indicated to her that I was no longer pregnant. She gave me the thumbs up and said, “Nice, man!” but seemed somewhat concerned as I was very frantic and distraught.

I decided that I needed to see Baby Jesus 2.0 and check on Her, even though God took her back. I ran through the academic buildings looking for Her. Nobody told me where they’d taken her, so of COURSE I assumed she was on campus. Riiiight. There’s dream logic for you.

Everyone was giving finals and I crept through the classroom in search of Jesus. I think I ran into Profe. I don’t remember what he said. Anyway, I continued on and stopped into Mr. Prof. S-gizzle’s class! I assume it was some sort of music journalism class, and the final for it looked insanely easy: he was playing a YouTube clip of various songs and the students just had to identify the songs. I was thinking that class looked sweet but then I remembered how much I hated that other class of his I took and moved on.

I returned to the Quad, where there was a big stone path covered with moss and shit. Roomie was lying at the bottom of it (there were steps), wearing a yellow dress and a crown of flowers. When I asked her what she was doing, she said she was running from the cops. She got up and sprinted away, and sure enough there were some crazy burly Norwegian dudes with guns after her. I chased after them because Roomie has done no wrong in her entire life so of course I had to save her. I caught up with a cop and asked him why he was chasing Roomie. He said that she could not take care of herself so they had to do it for her. (Realization: maybe Roomie was secretly Baby Jesus 2.0! WHOA!)

I was tired from chasing Roomie and the cops, and I realized the cops weren’t going to shoot her, so I went back to my room and slumped over at my desk, exhausted. Then, I woke up … in the dream. God woke me up to say, “Oh, jk, that was all a dream. You didn’t really give birth to Girl Baby Jesus.”

Then I woke up for real and I was scared as shit. What the eff WAS that!?

Chocolate Lovers' Cheesecake

(I tried to condense this recipe to 140 characters so I could tweet it to P!nk...I got 161...T_T)

~

Chocolate Lovers' Cheesecake (adapted from some recipe I used like 7 years ago!)

2 pkg softened cream cheese/Neufchatel cheese

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1/2 tsp. vanilla

2 eggs

8 squares baking chocolate

Oreo pie crust (9”)

MIX cream cheese, sugar and vanilla with electric mixer at medium speed until well blended. Add eggs; mix until blended.

MELT chocolate on the stove and blend into batter.

POUR batter into crust.

BAKE at 350°F (180°C) for 40 minutes or until center is almost set. Cool. Refrigerate 3 hours or overnight.

~

This is what my attempted tweet was:

Elec mix 2pkg cream cheese, 1/2c sugar, 1/2tsp vanilla, 2eggs, melt 8sq baking choc & blend in batter, pour in Oreo pie crust, bake @350 for 40min, set overnight 
P.S.: My Twitter is @ashtree17

just for laughs

A blonde is pulled over by a cop for speeding.
The cop asks her, "Can I see your license?"
"No," she says, "I don't have one. It was revoked after I went drunk driving."
"I see. Can I see your registration, then?"
"Oh, this isn't my car. I stole it."
"Uh-huh. Well, may I ask you why you're driving when you know it's against the law?"
"Oh, I just killed someone and had to chuck their body in the woods. The body's in the trunk."
"Can I take a look?"
"Not without a warrant."
The cop calls for backup; five police cars surround the woman; they call a judge and get a warrant. The officer pops the trunk; it's empty.
The officer's superior is talking to the woman, who has meanwhile produced a (valid) license and (valid) registration. The woman is absolutely indignant.
"I'm terribly sorry about this, ma'am," the sheriff says. "My colleague believed that you had stolen this car, had a revoked license, and had just committed murder."
"I'll bet the bastard told you I was speeding , too!"

¡¿por qué, Jesús, por qué?!

Anddd my interview is not in the school paper this week. Great.

The epic saga of why I am behind this week.*

*Or, if my life were an FML post, why you'd want to click "I agree, your life is fucked."

I had to interview some people from Spain for the college newspaper. Put succinctly, it was a FIASCO!  Soulie was kind enough to spend 20 minutes receiving the AIM version of this tale.  Most names have been changed, as per usual, and I kept it in IM form to protect the integrity of the mood I was in when I typed it out.  Also it looks like a free-verse epic poem!

~

so you know how I went to that Spanish concert thing last week?
the next day I went to the poetry thing that went with it
and I was like "oh hey, I will review these events for The Newspaper"
and all was well
so I emailed Pepa, just asking for photos of the 2 musicians and the poet-lady
and she was like "they're not leaving until Tuesday 9/22...you could interview them!"
and I got ALL EXCITED!
so i was like "dear Pepa, HELLZ TO THE YAYUH I will interview the Spanish peeps!"
and she was like "okay let's meet Tuesday morning in the café at 10:30"
and I figured since it was so last minute the interview could go in NEXT week's Newspaper
sooo
I wrote my questions
and I went to the editors' meeting last night
and DR was like "that's neato, but the interview should really go alongside your article if you can do that"
 and I was like "umm okay"
 and I had gone to classroom services yesterday to get a tape recorder to record said interview, and my sister brought me tapes from home
I told DR this and he was like "what?! no! make them give you the digital voice recorder instead of that ginormous tape recorder from 1975. they have like 6"
and I was like "oh sweet!"
and I rewrote my questions after the meeting last night and TRIED to do my homework for today
up until 2am
so
I get up at 8:30, get ready, I am nervous as shit
I eat breaky with The Swimmer and go down to classroom services
at like 10
and they are like "umm we don't have any more digital voice recorders. PROFESSOR DR has our last one. he took it out last spring and never brought it back"
OH but it gets better
we are only like halfway through this epic saga
I kid you not
so
I get the ginormous tape recorder from 1975
and go down to the café at 10:20
and I wait
and I wait
and I freaking WAIT
until 10:50
mind you my first class (for which I had not completed the homework!) was at 11:30
so I was like "eff this, Pepa and her crazy Spanish friends have stood me up!"
so I came back to my room
and I emailed DR and my editors
explaining the sitch
11:15 I am legit ready to walk out the door to my class
and my room phone rings
and it was a foreign lady who totes pronounced my last name wrong  
and I was thinking "freaking credit card telemarketers" 
but no  
it was Pepa!
and she was like "I'm so sorry! when did I tell you to meet us? ohh 10:30? we were out late last night, etc."
over 30 = too old for Monday night partying)
anyway
she was like "we can meet you at 1:00 in the Den!"
and I pondered this
decided then to skip my classes
to prepare for this interview
RA/BFF helped me download Audacity so I didn't have to use the dinosaur recorder
so 12:45 I go to the Den
and I'm hungry
but I don't wanna be eating whilst interviewing
so I wait
etc.
Pepa calls me on my cell
because we exchanged numeros
and she was like "we're at the bank and there's a problem with The Poet’s passport and her check, we'll be a while"
so like at 1:30 they FINALLLLLLY got there
and I interviewed them
it was all very confusing
and the hot, probs-gay pianist/composer
did not behave
he was like "it's really cold in here...where's the bathroom? I ate too much"
he was ridic
he totes CUDDLED with the baritone opera singer
poss an item? couldn't tell)
and then he stole Pepa's scarf and dropped it onto my sandwich on accident
and he interrupted The Baritone while he was answering one of my questions
and The Baritone was like:
"¡bástalo! grrrr. lo perdí. no sé qué decía..."
but it was funny
so then
I spent ALL afternoon listening to my recording and trying to figure out what was being said
I slowed it down in WMP
and then I emailed it to Pepa and I was like "help me fill in the blanks, I need this by 7:30 at the latest so I can get it into production"
apparently she thought I meant 7:30 in CHICAGO!
because I got it at 8:30, translated/corrected the bits she filled in for me
and sent it to The Newspaper at like 9:10
and now here I am, with philosophy homework yet to be done, and my face is probs going to fall off because I am a basket case

Manfriend? Not yet.

RA/BFF: is that yer manfriend that you breakfast with??
ME: nah, just breakfast friend
RA/BFF: winkwink
ME: hehe we like each other enough to be friends, but we'd probs end up killing each other if we were "friendddddddds"
RA/BFF: ooooo
ME: so it's funny that you mistook The Swimmer for my manfriend
ME: because The Environmentalist practically proposed marriage to me the other day
RA/BFF: oooo
RA/BFF: does the ashtree like any of her suitors?
ME: just as friends
ME: there is a dude I kind of like, but he is none of the above
RA/BFF: do tell
ME: I met him at orientation, and he is going to be an RA next year
RA/BFF: ooo!! adorable
ME: yes heeehee
ME: but the thing is, I don't really want a boyfriend right now and I don't know if he likes me back anyway
RA/BFF: nothing wrong with that
ME: I feel like a lot of people are like "omg let's get BOYFRANNNS" and I'm like "mmm not so much"
RA/BFF: nah that's todo bueno
RA/BFF: i didn't want a boyfriend either
RA/BFF: mine just happened
ME: sweet deal!
RA/BFF: and he is awesome so i guess i will keep him :) hehe
ME: I figure when I am ready to be girlfriend material it will happen then
RA/BFF: relationships mean more when you're in them not just to be in one anyway...y'know what i mean??
ME: yeah!
ME: I feel like it's so high school to be running around desperate for a boyfriend
RA/BFF: mhm agreed
RA/BFF: and random hookups are for hobags
ME: I like being my own woman right now, I have the next 3 years to focus on me!

Can I go home yet?

I live on an all-girls floor in a co-ed dorm. There's probably about 40 of us or so, and we share a laundry room with 2 washers and 2 dryers.

Due to laundry mix-ups at the beginning of the year, the RAs put laminated cards on each machine and encouraged us to write our names/room numbers and the times at which we put the laundry in to keep people from dumping our shit on the floor.

But who remembers to carry an Expo marker back and forth from their room to the laundry room for 2 or 3 loads of laundry?

Roomie's mom is a teacher and gave us a ton of extra Expos for our white board, etc. But I put one in the laundry room with delusions of grandeur that we could all share and not screw each other's laundry up.

Naïve little girl.

Some a-hole stole my marker!

So, being the kind, forgiving (okay, too lazy to carry my own marker) soul that I am, I put another one in the laundry room.

It's gone.

Fuckers.

*Sigh*

My brain feels like it's about to explode. Not sure why. I would say it's due to lack of sleep, but, well, I went to bed at ten last night and awoke at six thirty this morning. That's...eight and a half hours of sleep. More than enough to make a person chipper and happy as a freaking clam the next day. Or so it would seem.

Instead, I stand here in the library, not sit, stand, and listen to stupid people approach the information desk. "Um, I'm looking for a book." ...Really now...I don't think they have any of those here. Maybe if you look in a building that wasn't made specifically for that purpose, you'll have better luck.

It ticks me off when people in my supposed Social Advocacy classes say things about people with disabilities that are completely out of line and stupid. For example.

"Do you think any of the students who are coming into our class will talk in front of a crowd, Nick?"

"Well, they all, like, talk. Cuz, you know, they're all, like, higher."

Higher. I don't think she was talking about their functional level, genius, I think she was talking about how shy they will be.

*Sigh*

New category.

As I'm sure my readers have realized, I'm easily annoyed. And I've decided our blog needs a new category to describe some of these annoyances, but the proposed title is too long to fit in the little box gracefully, so I am posting it here so people know what the acronym means.

Ridiculous Shit That Offends My Delicate Sensibilities
(or, RSTOMDS)

Examples:
-grammar/punctuation errors
-sexism
-general ignorance
-people who feel as though your preferences in fashion/music/religion/politics needs "saving" or "fixing"

And there you have it.

Awkwardness is a social construct.

I'm making a declaration.
I hereby abolish the word "awkward."
Why?
Because it's abused and overused.

Example: I was showering here at school when I heard two girls come in to use the bathroom. Apparently, one of them was a first-time visitor to our fine institution, and had never seen our toilet paper dispensers, which are not in rolls, but are in stupid little rectangular sheets of which you have to use like 57 for any real efficacy. This girl said, "Wow, these toilet paper dispensers are awkward!"

Um. Sorry. This may seem dense, but...what capacity does a toilet paper dispenser have to be awkward?!
TOILET PAPER DISPENSER: Hey baby, you've got a nice...um...never mind...
GIRL: What?!
TPD: I'm sorry. Wow, that was...really out of line. Have 36 more sheets.
No. Inanimate objects ≠ awkward.

I myself am guilty of "awkward" abuse, and I resolve to only use the word "awkward" to describe situations that are legitimately so.
Most situations to which this word is ascribed are merely silly or uncomfortable. In fact, awkwardness in itself is a social construct. Nothing's ever really awkward until someone points it out, is it?

Exphairiment. Day Whatever.

I keep forgetting to do my exphairiment! D'oh! But I remembered this morning (and by morning, I mean 12:45pm because I slept in since I could not sleep last night. For the record, 4:50am is NOT an okay bedtime).
Mother Nature's choice of precipitation today (snow? rain? snain?!) did not make my hair sexy. :( Rather flat, v. sad. But it is not as frizzy as expected!

Exphairiment. Day 2.

Pants, Soulie, the Bachelorette, and I are embarking on a new scientific quest. According to Glamour's 70th anniversary issue, if one uses conditioner on one's hair BEFORE shampooing, one will have better-moisturized hair. The four of us scientists wish to test this theory.
~
HYPOTHESIS: Conditioner + shampoo + rinse + more conditioner = optimal hair moisturization
~
Ashtree's Preliminary Results:
Shampoo: Garnier Fructis Sleek & Shine

• Day 1: I forgot what happened. But my hair laid nicely today.
• Day 2: Hair = v. easily combed.

Dear Pants.

Dear Sarah,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but our socks don’t match. I think I realized it when we skinny-dipped in the bathtub at the mental hospital and I saw you carve your initials into your My Little Pony collection. I'm sure you're open enough to understand the Middle East is planning their revenge on you. I'm returning your toe ring to you, but I'll keep my virginity as a memory. You should also know that I am better off without you and I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo.

With tears of sadness,
Ashes

Love(less) letter.

Here's how you do it:
Dear (someone you recently talked to),
I don't really know how to tell you this, but (1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5) I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).

(12),
your name

.:.

1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
Purple - Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other (or no shirt!) -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forrest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August - When you smacked my ass
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I finally changed my underwear

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
Chicken- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Fish - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Other - With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bit of
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Green - Sit on
Barefoot/other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other -The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Other -shamed

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Silly - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exist
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching Snoopy underwear
Purple - Your South Park blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your Hannah Montana underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - My virginity
C/D - Your photo with the moustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbors dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorities that you stole the whale from the backyard
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Hate your cooking
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R - Always wanted to break your legs
S/T - Get sick when I think of your feet
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine - Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – I'm scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war
Mineral/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Best of luck on the sex change
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Canada – Please don’t hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Greetings to your frog Leonard
England - Go drown yourself

10 More Things.

Yeah, that's right.

1. I am very particular about the most random things, like what color pens I use for certain classes, but I'm pretty messy otherwise.
2. My favorite color is green. I believe I started using Garnier Fructis Sleek and Shine Shampoo mostly because the bottle is green.
3. I have a running list of future husbands, both famous and un-...
4. ...yet I don't know if I will ever be stable enough or overcome my commitment phobia to actually be in a relationship.
5. I like being alone, but I cannot stand being lonely.
6. Naked Saturdays. Enough said.
7. I tend to overshare too fast. I latch on to people quickly and rarely let go.
8. Sometimes #7 leads to me getting too invested in other people's problems, and I lose sleep over it, leaving less time and energy for those who actually need me...and myself.
9. I stay up horribly late to do homework that is due the next day. This makes for me being a loud, clunky roomie. But she still adores me.
10. Some days, I lose faith in myself and what I want to do in life. Thank God I did in November, because then I would have stuck with the education/career path I didn't want and didn't like. Now I think I'm in the right direction.