Oh my God. I had the weirdest, most horriblest dream last night. And it was so long! Plus I definitely pulled a Dane Cook and woke up, fell asleep, and fell back into the same horrible dream again. But my misery seemed to amuse my friends, so I will write it down here for posterity.
So in the dream, I had a boyfriend (ha, that is how you know it’s a dream! T_T) and we had never had sex, but I found out I was pregnant. Then God told me it was Baby Jesus 2.0. No joke. This is hilarious 1) because I go to a Catholic college and 2) because I am not particularly religious. But God told me to keep this shit pretty hush-hush, which was just as well, because for the most part the people I told did not believe me. Immaculate Conception in this day and age is ludicrous, right? But I swore that Boyfriend (he had no name and a very forgettable face) and I had never done it, so it couldn’t possibly be his. Oh, and then Boyfriend left me before he found out it was gonna be Jesus. RUDE.
(I think this def came from that “House” episode I watched last night where the blonde chick from the clinic was getting sleep-raped from her ex…ew!)
Anyway, my mom seemed pretty chill about this, probably because it was Baby Jesus 2.0 and was for a good, holy cause and all that jazz. I was not so chill. Throughout the dream I had this sense of guilt and dread: no one believed me, I didn’t want a baby at that point, I didn’t feel particularly attached to the cause since I don’t identify as Christian, and since I wouldn’t be able to keep Baby Jesus 2.0 I felt like it would ruin the experience of having a child in the future.
So, apparently I had to go to Jerusalem or somewhere to give birth to Baby Jesus 2.0. Moses (or similar Old Testament dude with flowy white beard, etc.) led me through this river to this magical holy birthing center. Yeah. I was super-preggo and had to swim against the freak in’ current.
When we got to the birthing center, Moses said, “There are 5 birthing rooms. You have to give birth in Number 2 or the prophecy will not be fulfilled!” Well, shit! I didn’t want to mess up Baby Jesus 2.0 and totes fail in the eyes of God, but when I got inside some other preggo had stolen Room #2! I went to put my stuff in Room #3, but I eventually bribed the lady to switch with me mid-labor.
There were no dream details about the actual birth, but Baby Jesus 2.0 ended up being a girl (“G’Baby Jesus?!”). I suppose Jesus in all his mighty holy incarnation knows no gender. Whatevski. But being a teen mom and obviously unequipped to mother the savior, God took her back! I was actually super sad because I birthed her and all, but God sent me back to college.
When I came back to campus, it was fall and finals week. I was wearing this hideous brown cardigan-and-skirt ensemble (like what Julianne Moore wore in “The Hours” – yikes!). I saw Soulie, one of the few peeps I’d told about my mission, and indicated to her that I was no longer pregnant. She gave me the thumbs up and said, “Nice, man!” but seemed somewhat concerned as I was very frantic and distraught.
I decided that I needed to see Baby Jesus 2.0 and check on Her, even though God took her back. I ran through the academic buildings looking for Her. Nobody told me where they’d taken her, so of COURSE I assumed she was on campus. Riiiight. There’s dream logic for you.
Everyone was giving finals and I crept through the classroom in search of Jesus. I think I ran into Profe. I don’t remember what he said. Anyway, I continued on and stopped into Mr. Prof. S-gizzle’s class! I assume it was some sort of music journalism class, and the final for it looked insanely easy: he was playing a YouTube clip of various songs and the students just had to identify the songs. I was thinking that class looked sweet but then I remembered how much I hated that other class of his I took and moved on.
I returned to the Quad, where there was a big stone path covered with moss and shit. Roomie was lying at the bottom of it (there were steps), wearing a yellow dress and a crown of flowers. When I asked her what she was doing, she said she was running from the cops. She got up and sprinted away, and sure enough there were some crazy burly Norwegian dudes with guns after her. I chased after them because Roomie has done no wrong in her entire life so of course I had to save her. I caught up with a cop and asked him why he was chasing Roomie. He said that she could not take care of herself so they had to do it for her. (Realization: maybe Roomie was secretly Baby Jesus 2.0! WHOA!)
I was tired from chasing Roomie and the cops, and I realized the cops weren’t going to shoot her, so I went back to my room and slumped over at my desk, exhausted. Then, I woke up … in the dream. God woke me up to say, “Oh, jk, that was all a dream. You didn’t really give birth to Girl Baby Jesus.”
Then I woke up for real and I was scared as shit. What the eff WAS that!?
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