just for laughs

A blonde is pulled over by a cop for speeding.
The cop asks her, "Can I see your license?"
"No," she says, "I don't have one. It was revoked after I went drunk driving."
"I see. Can I see your registration, then?"
"Oh, this isn't my car. I stole it."
"Uh-huh. Well, may I ask you why you're driving when you know it's against the law?"
"Oh, I just killed someone and had to chuck their body in the woods. The body's in the trunk."
"Can I take a look?"
"Not without a warrant."
The cop calls for backup; five police cars surround the woman; they call a judge and get a warrant. The officer pops the trunk; it's empty.
The officer's superior is talking to the woman, who has meanwhile produced a (valid) license and (valid) registration. The woman is absolutely indignant.
"I'm terribly sorry about this, ma'am," the sheriff says. "My colleague believed that you had stolen this car, had a revoked license, and had just committed murder."
"I'll bet the bastard told you I was speeding , too!"

¡¿por qué, Jesús, por qué?!

Anddd my interview is not in the school paper this week. Great.

The epic saga of why I am behind this week.*

*Or, if my life were an FML post, why you'd want to click "I agree, your life is fucked."

I had to interview some people from Spain for the college newspaper. Put succinctly, it was a FIASCO!  Soulie was kind enough to spend 20 minutes receiving the AIM version of this tale.  Most names have been changed, as per usual, and I kept it in IM form to protect the integrity of the mood I was in when I typed it out.  Also it looks like a free-verse epic poem!

~

so you know how I went to that Spanish concert thing last week?
the next day I went to the poetry thing that went with it
and I was like "oh hey, I will review these events for The Newspaper"
and all was well
so I emailed Pepa, just asking for photos of the 2 musicians and the poet-lady
and she was like "they're not leaving until Tuesday 9/22...you could interview them!"
and I got ALL EXCITED!
so i was like "dear Pepa, HELLZ TO THE YAYUH I will interview the Spanish peeps!"
and she was like "okay let's meet Tuesday morning in the café at 10:30"
and I figured since it was so last minute the interview could go in NEXT week's Newspaper
sooo
I wrote my questions
and I went to the editors' meeting last night
and DR was like "that's neato, but the interview should really go alongside your article if you can do that"
 and I was like "umm okay"
 and I had gone to classroom services yesterday to get a tape recorder to record said interview, and my sister brought me tapes from home
I told DR this and he was like "what?! no! make them give you the digital voice recorder instead of that ginormous tape recorder from 1975. they have like 6"
and I was like "oh sweet!"
and I rewrote my questions after the meeting last night and TRIED to do my homework for today
up until 2am
so
I get up at 8:30, get ready, I am nervous as shit
I eat breaky with The Swimmer and go down to classroom services
at like 10
and they are like "umm we don't have any more digital voice recorders. PROFESSOR DR has our last one. he took it out last spring and never brought it back"
OH but it gets better
we are only like halfway through this epic saga
I kid you not
so
I get the ginormous tape recorder from 1975
and go down to the café at 10:20
and I wait
and I wait
and I freaking WAIT
until 10:50
mind you my first class (for which I had not completed the homework!) was at 11:30
so I was like "eff this, Pepa and her crazy Spanish friends have stood me up!"
so I came back to my room
and I emailed DR and my editors
explaining the sitch
11:15 I am legit ready to walk out the door to my class
and my room phone rings
and it was a foreign lady who totes pronounced my last name wrong  
and I was thinking "freaking credit card telemarketers" 
but no  
it was Pepa!
and she was like "I'm so sorry! when did I tell you to meet us? ohh 10:30? we were out late last night, etc."
over 30 = too old for Monday night partying)
anyway
she was like "we can meet you at 1:00 in the Den!"
and I pondered this
decided then to skip my classes
to prepare for this interview
RA/BFF helped me download Audacity so I didn't have to use the dinosaur recorder
so 12:45 I go to the Den
and I'm hungry
but I don't wanna be eating whilst interviewing
so I wait
etc.
Pepa calls me on my cell
because we exchanged numeros
and she was like "we're at the bank and there's a problem with The Poet’s passport and her check, we'll be a while"
so like at 1:30 they FINALLLLLLY got there
and I interviewed them
it was all very confusing
and the hot, probs-gay pianist/composer
did not behave
he was like "it's really cold in here...where's the bathroom? I ate too much"
he was ridic
he totes CUDDLED with the baritone opera singer
poss an item? couldn't tell)
and then he stole Pepa's scarf and dropped it onto my sandwich on accident
and he interrupted The Baritone while he was answering one of my questions
and The Baritone was like:
"¡bástalo! grrrr. lo perdí. no sé qué decía..."
but it was funny
so then
I spent ALL afternoon listening to my recording and trying to figure out what was being said
I slowed it down in WMP
and then I emailed it to Pepa and I was like "help me fill in the blanks, I need this by 7:30 at the latest so I can get it into production"
apparently she thought I meant 7:30 in CHICAGO!
because I got it at 8:30, translated/corrected the bits she filled in for me
and sent it to The Newspaper at like 9:10
and now here I am, with philosophy homework yet to be done, and my face is probs going to fall off because I am a basket case

Manfriend? Not yet.

RA/BFF: is that yer manfriend that you breakfast with??
ME: nah, just breakfast friend
RA/BFF: winkwink
ME: hehe we like each other enough to be friends, but we'd probs end up killing each other if we were "friendddddddds"
RA/BFF: ooooo
ME: so it's funny that you mistook The Swimmer for my manfriend
ME: because The Environmentalist practically proposed marriage to me the other day
RA/BFF: oooo
RA/BFF: does the ashtree like any of her suitors?
ME: just as friends
ME: there is a dude I kind of like, but he is none of the above
RA/BFF: do tell
ME: I met him at orientation, and he is going to be an RA next year
RA/BFF: ooo!! adorable
ME: yes heeehee
ME: but the thing is, I don't really want a boyfriend right now and I don't know if he likes me back anyway
RA/BFF: nothing wrong with that
ME: I feel like a lot of people are like "omg let's get BOYFRANNNS" and I'm like "mmm not so much"
RA/BFF: nah that's todo bueno
RA/BFF: i didn't want a boyfriend either
RA/BFF: mine just happened
ME: sweet deal!
RA/BFF: and he is awesome so i guess i will keep him :) hehe
ME: I figure when I am ready to be girlfriend material it will happen then
RA/BFF: relationships mean more when you're in them not just to be in one anyway...y'know what i mean??
ME: yeah!
ME: I feel like it's so high school to be running around desperate for a boyfriend
RA/BFF: mhm agreed
RA/BFF: and random hookups are for hobags
ME: I like being my own woman right now, I have the next 3 years to focus on me!

Can I go home yet?

I live on an all-girls floor in a co-ed dorm. There's probably about 40 of us or so, and we share a laundry room with 2 washers and 2 dryers.

Due to laundry mix-ups at the beginning of the year, the RAs put laminated cards on each machine and encouraged us to write our names/room numbers and the times at which we put the laundry in to keep people from dumping our shit on the floor.

But who remembers to carry an Expo marker back and forth from their room to the laundry room for 2 or 3 loads of laundry?

Roomie's mom is a teacher and gave us a ton of extra Expos for our white board, etc. But I put one in the laundry room with delusions of grandeur that we could all share and not screw each other's laundry up.

Naïve little girl.

Some a-hole stole my marker!

So, being the kind, forgiving (okay, too lazy to carry my own marker) soul that I am, I put another one in the laundry room.

It's gone.

Fuckers.

*Sigh*

My brain feels like it's about to explode. Not sure why. I would say it's due to lack of sleep, but, well, I went to bed at ten last night and awoke at six thirty this morning. That's...eight and a half hours of sleep. More than enough to make a person chipper and happy as a freaking clam the next day. Or so it would seem.

Instead, I stand here in the library, not sit, stand, and listen to stupid people approach the information desk. "Um, I'm looking for a book." ...Really now...I don't think they have any of those here. Maybe if you look in a building that wasn't made specifically for that purpose, you'll have better luck.

It ticks me off when people in my supposed Social Advocacy classes say things about people with disabilities that are completely out of line and stupid. For example.

"Do you think any of the students who are coming into our class will talk in front of a crowd, Nick?"

"Well, they all, like, talk. Cuz, you know, they're all, like, higher."

Higher. I don't think she was talking about their functional level, genius, I think she was talking about how shy they will be.

*Sigh*

New category.

As I'm sure my readers have realized, I'm easily annoyed. And I've decided our blog needs a new category to describe some of these annoyances, but the proposed title is too long to fit in the little box gracefully, so I am posting it here so people know what the acronym means.

Ridiculous Shit That Offends My Delicate Sensibilities
(or, RSTOMDS)

Examples:
-grammar/punctuation errors
-sexism
-general ignorance
-people who feel as though your preferences in fashion/music/religion/politics needs "saving" or "fixing"

And there you have it.

Awkwardness is a social construct.

I'm making a declaration.
I hereby abolish the word "awkward."
Why?
Because it's abused and overused.

Example: I was showering here at school when I heard two girls come in to use the bathroom. Apparently, one of them was a first-time visitor to our fine institution, and had never seen our toilet paper dispensers, which are not in rolls, but are in stupid little rectangular sheets of which you have to use like 57 for any real efficacy. This girl said, "Wow, these toilet paper dispensers are awkward!"

Um. Sorry. This may seem dense, but...what capacity does a toilet paper dispenser have to be awkward?!
TOILET PAPER DISPENSER: Hey baby, you've got a nice...um...never mind...
GIRL: What?!
TPD: I'm sorry. Wow, that was...really out of line. Have 36 more sheets.
No. Inanimate objects ≠ awkward.

I myself am guilty of "awkward" abuse, and I resolve to only use the word "awkward" to describe situations that are legitimately so.
Most situations to which this word is ascribed are merely silly or uncomfortable. In fact, awkwardness in itself is a social construct. Nothing's ever really awkward until someone points it out, is it?