Oh my God. I had the weirdest, most horriblest dream last night. And it was so long! Plus I definitely pulled a Dane Cook and woke up, fell asleep, and fell back into the same horrible dream again. But my misery seemed to amuse my friends, so I will write it down here for posterity.
So in the dream, I had a boyfriend (ha, that is how you know it’s a dream! T_T) and we had never had sex, but I found out I was pregnant. Then God told me it was Baby Jesus 2.0. No joke. This is hilarious 1) because I go to a Catholic college and 2) because I am not particularly religious. But God told me to keep this shit pretty hush-hush, which was just as well, because for the most part the people I told did not believe me. Immaculate Conception in this day and age is ludicrous, right? But I swore that Boyfriend (he had no name and a very forgettable face) and I had never done it, so it couldn’t possibly be his. Oh, and then Boyfriend left me before he found out it was gonna be Jesus. RUDE.
(I think this def came from that “House” episode I watched last night where the blonde chick from the clinic was getting sleep-raped from her ex…ew!)
Anyway, my mom seemed pretty chill about this, probably because it was Baby Jesus 2.0 and was for a good, holy cause and all that jazz. I was not so chill. Throughout the dream I had this sense of guilt and dread: no one believed me, I didn’t want a baby at that point, I didn’t feel particularly attached to the cause since I don’t identify as Christian, and since I wouldn’t be able to keep Baby Jesus 2.0 I felt like it would ruin the experience of having a child in the future.
So, apparently I had to go to Jerusalem or somewhere to give birth to Baby Jesus 2.0. Moses (or similar Old Testament dude with flowy white beard, etc.) led me through this river to this magical holy birthing center. Yeah. I was super-preggo and had to swim against the freak in’ current.
When we got to the birthing center, Moses said, “There are 5 birthing rooms. You have to give birth in Number 2 or the prophecy will not be fulfilled!” Well, shit! I didn’t want to mess up Baby Jesus 2.0 and totes fail in the eyes of God, but when I got inside some other preggo had stolen Room #2! I went to put my stuff in Room #3, but I eventually bribed the lady to switch with me mid-labor.
There were no dream details about the actual birth, but Baby Jesus 2.0 ended up being a girl (“G’Baby Jesus?!”). I suppose Jesus in all his mighty holy incarnation knows no gender. Whatevski. But being a teen mom and obviously unequipped to mother the savior, God took her back! I was actually super sad because I birthed her and all, but God sent me back to college.
When I came back to campus, it was fall and finals week. I was wearing this hideous brown cardigan-and-skirt ensemble (like what Julianne Moore wore in “The Hours” – yikes!). I saw Soulie, one of the few peeps I’d told about my mission, and indicated to her that I was no longer pregnant. She gave me the thumbs up and said, “Nice, man!” but seemed somewhat concerned as I was very frantic and distraught.
I decided that I needed to see Baby Jesus 2.0 and check on Her, even though God took her back. I ran through the academic buildings looking for Her. Nobody told me where they’d taken her, so of COURSE I assumed she was on campus. Riiiight. There’s dream logic for you.
Everyone was giving finals and I crept through the classroom in search of Jesus. I think I ran into Profe. I don’t remember what he said. Anyway, I continued on and stopped into Mr. Prof. S-gizzle’s class! I assume it was some sort of music journalism class, and the final for it looked insanely easy: he was playing a YouTube clip of various songs and the students just had to identify the songs. I was thinking that class looked sweet but then I remembered how much I hated that other class of his I took and moved on.
I returned to the Quad, where there was a big stone path covered with moss and shit. Roomie was lying at the bottom of it (there were steps), wearing a yellow dress and a crown of flowers. When I asked her what she was doing, she said she was running from the cops. She got up and sprinted away, and sure enough there were some crazy burly Norwegian dudes with guns after her. I chased after them because Roomie has done no wrong in her entire life so of course I had to save her. I caught up with a cop and asked him why he was chasing Roomie. He said that she could not take care of herself so they had to do it for her. (Realization: maybe Roomie was secretly Baby Jesus 2.0! WHOA!)
I was tired from chasing Roomie and the cops, and I realized the cops weren’t going to shoot her, so I went back to my room and slumped over at my desk, exhausted. Then, I woke up … in the dream. God woke me up to say, “Oh, jk, that was all a dream. You didn’t really give birth to Girl Baby Jesus.”
Then I woke up for real and I was scared as shit. What the eff WAS that!?
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Chocolate Lovers' Cheesecake
(I tried to condense this recipe to 140 characters so I could tweet it to P!nk...I got 161...T_T)
~
Chocolate Lovers' Cheesecake (adapted from some recipe I used like 7 years ago!)
2 pkg softened cream cheese/Neufchatel cheese
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla
2 eggs
8 squares baking chocolate
Oreo pie crust (9”)
MIX cream cheese, sugar and vanilla with electric mixer at medium speed until well blended. Add eggs; mix until blended.
MELT chocolate on the stove and blend into batter.
POUR batter into crust.
BAKE at 350°F (180°C) for 40 minutes or until center is almost set. Cool. Refrigerate 3 hours or overnight.
~
This is what my attempted tweet was:
Elec mix 2pkg cream cheese, 1/2c sugar, 1/2tsp vanilla, 2eggs, melt 8sq baking choc & blend in batter, pour in Oreo pie crust, bake @350 for 40min, set overnight
P.S.: My Twitter is @ashtree17
P.S.: My Twitter is @ashtree17
Friday, November 20, 2009
just for laughs
A blonde is pulled over by a cop for speeding.
The cop asks her, "Can I see your license?"
"No," she says, "I don't have one. It was revoked after I went drunk driving."
"I see. Can I see your registration, then?"
"Oh, this isn't my car. I stole it."
"Uh-huh. Well, may I ask you why you're driving when you know it's against the law?"
"Oh, I just killed someone and had to chuck their body in the woods. The body's in the trunk."
"Can I take a look?"
"Not without a warrant."
The cop calls for backup; five police cars surround the woman; they call a judge and get a warrant. The officer pops the trunk; it's empty.
The officer's superior is talking to the woman, who has meanwhile produced a (valid) license and (valid) registration. The woman is absolutely indignant.
"I'm terribly sorry about this, ma'am," the sheriff says. "My colleague believed that you had stolen this car, had a revoked license, and had just committed murder."
"I'll bet the bastard told you I was speeding , too!"
The cop asks her, "Can I see your license?"
"No," she says, "I don't have one. It was revoked after I went drunk driving."
"I see. Can I see your registration, then?"
"Oh, this isn't my car. I stole it."
"Uh-huh. Well, may I ask you why you're driving when you know it's against the law?"
"Oh, I just killed someone and had to chuck their body in the woods. The body's in the trunk."
"Can I take a look?"
"Not without a warrant."
The cop calls for backup; five police cars surround the woman; they call a judge and get a warrant. The officer pops the trunk; it's empty.
The officer's superior is talking to the woman, who has meanwhile produced a (valid) license and (valid) registration. The woman is absolutely indignant.
"I'm terribly sorry about this, ma'am," the sheriff says. "My colleague believed that you had stolen this car, had a revoked license, and had just committed murder."
"I'll bet the bastard told you I was speeding , too!"
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The epic saga of why I am behind this week.*
*Or, if my life were an FML post, why you'd want to click "I agree, your life is fucked."
I had to interview some people from Spain for the college newspaper. Put succinctly, it was a FIASCO! Soulie was kind enough to spend 20 minutes receiving the AIM version of this tale. Most names have been changed, as per usual, and I kept it in IM form to protect the integrity of the mood I was in when I typed it out. Also it looks like a free-verse epic poem!
~
so you know how I went to that Spanish concert thing last week?
the next day I went to the poetry thing that went with it
and I was like "oh hey, I will review these events for The Newspaper"
and all was well
so I emailed Pepa, just asking for photos of the 2 musicians and the poet-lady
and she was like "they're not leaving until Tuesday 9/22...you could interview them!"
and I got ALL EXCITED!
so i was like "dear Pepa, HELLZ TO THE YAYUH I will interview the Spanish peeps!"
and she was like "okay let's meet Tuesday morning in the café at 10:30"
and I figured since it was so last minute the interview could go in NEXT week's Newspaper
sooo
I wrote my questions
and I went to the editors' meeting last night
and DR was like "that's neato, but the interview should really go alongside your article if you can do that"
and I was like "umm okay"
and I had gone to classroom services yesterday to get a tape recorder to record said interview, and my sister brought me tapes from home
I told DR this and he was like "what?! no! make them give you the digital voice recorder instead of that ginormous tape recorder from 1975. they have like 6"
and I was like "oh sweet!"
and I rewrote my questions after the meeting last night and TRIED to do my homework for today
up until 2am
so
I get up at 8:30, get ready, I am nervous as shit
I eat breaky with The Swimmer and go down to classroom services
at like 10
and they are like "umm we don't have any more digital voice recorders. PROFESSOR DR has our last one. he took it out last spring and never brought it back"
OH but it gets better
we are only like halfway through this epic saga
I kid you not
so
I get the ginormous tape recorder from 1975
and go down to the café at 10:20
and I wait
and I wait
and I freaking WAIT
until 10:50
mind you my first class (for which I had not completed the homework!) was at 11:30
so I was like "eff this, Pepa and her crazy Spanish friends have stood me up!"
so I came back to my room
and I emailed DR and my editors
explaining the sitch
11:15 I am legit ready to walk out the door to my class
and my room phone rings
and it was a foreign lady who totes pronounced my last name wrong
and I was thinking "freaking credit card telemarketers"
but no
it was Pepa!
and she was like "I'm so sorry! when did I tell you to meet us? ohh 10:30? we were out late last night, etc."
over 30 = too old for Monday night partying)
anyway
she was like "we can meet you at 1:00 in the Den!"
and I pondered this
decided then to skip my classes
to prepare for this interview
RA/BFF helped me download Audacity so I didn't have to use the dinosaur recorder
so 12:45 I go to the Den
and I'm hungry
but I don't wanna be eating whilst interviewing
so I wait
etc.
Pepa calls me on my cell
because we exchanged numeros
and she was like "we're at the bank and there's a problem with The Poet’s passport and her check, we'll be a while"
so like at 1:30 they FINALLLLLLY got there
and I interviewed them
it was all very confusing
and the hot, probs-gay pianist/composer
did not behave
he was like "it's really cold in here...where's the bathroom? I ate too much"
he was ridic
he totes CUDDLED with the baritone opera singer
poss an item? couldn't tell)
and then he stole Pepa's scarf and dropped it onto my sandwich on accident
and he interrupted The Baritone while he was answering one of my questions
and The Baritone was like:
"¡bástalo! grrrr. lo perdí. no sé qué decía..."
but it was funny
so then
I spent ALL afternoon listening to my recording and trying to figure out what was being said
I slowed it down in WMP
and then I emailed it to Pepa and I was like "help me fill in the blanks, I need this by 7:30 at the latest so I can get it into production"
apparently she thought I meant 7:30 in CHICAGO!
because I got it at 8:30, translated/corrected the bits she filled in for me
and sent it to The Newspaper at like 9:10
and now here I am, with philosophy homework yet to be done, and my face is probs going to fall off because I am a basket case
I had to interview some people from Spain for the college newspaper. Put succinctly, it was a FIASCO! Soulie was kind enough to spend 20 minutes receiving the AIM version of this tale. Most names have been changed, as per usual, and I kept it in IM form to protect the integrity of the mood I was in when I typed it out. Also it looks like a free-verse epic poem!
~
so you know how I went to that Spanish concert thing last week?
the next day I went to the poetry thing that went with it
and I was like "oh hey, I will review these events for The Newspaper"
and all was well
so I emailed Pepa, just asking for photos of the 2 musicians and the poet-lady
and she was like "they're not leaving until Tuesday 9/22...you could interview them!"
and I got ALL EXCITED!
so i was like "dear Pepa, HELLZ TO THE YAYUH I will interview the Spanish peeps!"
and she was like "okay let's meet Tuesday morning in the café at 10:30"
and I figured since it was so last minute the interview could go in NEXT week's Newspaper
sooo
I wrote my questions
and I went to the editors' meeting last night
and DR was like "that's neato, but the interview should really go alongside your article if you can do that"
and I was like "umm okay"
and I had gone to classroom services yesterday to get a tape recorder to record said interview, and my sister brought me tapes from home
I told DR this and he was like "what?! no! make them give you the digital voice recorder instead of that ginormous tape recorder from 1975. they have like 6"
and I was like "oh sweet!"
and I rewrote my questions after the meeting last night and TRIED to do my homework for today
up until 2am
so
I get up at 8:30, get ready, I am nervous as shit
I eat breaky with The Swimmer and go down to classroom services
at like 10
and they are like "umm we don't have any more digital voice recorders. PROFESSOR DR has our last one. he took it out last spring and never brought it back"
OH but it gets better
we are only like halfway through this epic saga
I kid you not
so
I get the ginormous tape recorder from 1975
and go down to the café at 10:20
and I wait
and I wait
and I freaking WAIT
until 10:50
mind you my first class (for which I had not completed the homework!) was at 11:30
so I was like "eff this, Pepa and her crazy Spanish friends have stood me up!"
so I came back to my room
and I emailed DR and my editors
explaining the sitch
11:15 I am legit ready to walk out the door to my class
and my room phone rings
and it was a foreign lady who totes pronounced my last name wrong
and I was thinking "freaking credit card telemarketers"
but no
it was Pepa!
and she was like "I'm so sorry! when did I tell you to meet us? ohh 10:30? we were out late last night, etc."
over 30 = too old for Monday night partying)
anyway
she was like "we can meet you at 1:00 in the Den!"
and I pondered this
decided then to skip my classes
to prepare for this interview
RA/BFF helped me download Audacity so I didn't have to use the dinosaur recorder
so 12:45 I go to the Den
and I'm hungry
but I don't wanna be eating whilst interviewing
so I wait
etc.
Pepa calls me on my cell
because we exchanged numeros
and she was like "we're at the bank and there's a problem with The Poet’s passport and her check, we'll be a while"
so like at 1:30 they FINALLLLLLY got there
and I interviewed them
it was all very confusing
and the hot, probs-gay pianist/composer
did not behave
he was like "it's really cold in here...where's the bathroom? I ate too much"
he was ridic
he totes CUDDLED with the baritone opera singer
poss an item? couldn't tell)
and then he stole Pepa's scarf and dropped it onto my sandwich on accident
and he interrupted The Baritone while he was answering one of my questions
and The Baritone was like:
"¡bástalo! grrrr. lo perdí. no sé qué decía..."
but it was funny
so then
I spent ALL afternoon listening to my recording and trying to figure out what was being said
I slowed it down in WMP
and then I emailed it to Pepa and I was like "help me fill in the blanks, I need this by 7:30 at the latest so I can get it into production"
apparently she thought I meant 7:30 in CHICAGO!
because I got it at 8:30, translated/corrected the bits she filled in for me
and sent it to The Newspaper at like 9:10
and now here I am, with philosophy homework yet to be done, and my face is probs going to fall off because I am a basket case
Friday, May 1, 2009
Manfriend? Not yet.
RA/BFF: is that yer manfriend that you breakfast with??
ME: nah, just breakfast friend
RA/BFF: winkwink
ME: hehe we like each other enough to be friends, but we'd probs end up killing each other if we were "friendddddddds"
RA/BFF: ooooo
ME: so it's funny that you mistook The Swimmer for my manfriend
ME: because The Environmentalist practically proposed marriage to me the other day
RA/BFF: oooo
RA/BFF: does the ashtree like any of her suitors?
ME: just as friends
ME: there is a dude I kind of like, but he is none of the above
RA/BFF: do tell
ME: I met him at orientation, and he is going to be an RA next year
RA/BFF: ooo!! adorable
ME: yes heeehee
ME: but the thing is, I don't really want a boyfriend right now and I don't know if he likes me back anyway
RA/BFF: nothing wrong with that
ME: I feel like a lot of people are like "omg let's get BOYFRANNNS" and I'm like "mmm not so much"
RA/BFF: nah that's todo bueno
RA/BFF: i didn't want a boyfriend either
RA/BFF: mine just happened
ME: sweet deal!
RA/BFF: and he is awesome so i guess i will keep him :) hehe
ME: I figure when I am ready to be girlfriend material it will happen then
RA/BFF: relationships mean more when you're in them not just to be in one anyway...y'know what i mean??
ME: yeah!
ME: I feel like it's so high school to be running around desperate for a boyfriend
RA/BFF: mhm agreed
RA/BFF: and random hookups are for hobags
ME: I like being my own woman right now, I have the next 3 years to focus on me!
ME: nah, just breakfast friend
RA/BFF: winkwink
ME: hehe we like each other enough to be friends, but we'd probs end up killing each other if we were "friendddddddds"
RA/BFF: ooooo
ME: so it's funny that you mistook The Swimmer for my manfriend
ME: because The Environmentalist practically proposed marriage to me the other day
RA/BFF: oooo
RA/BFF: does the ashtree like any of her suitors?
ME: just as friends
ME: there is a dude I kind of like, but he is none of the above
RA/BFF: do tell
ME: I met him at orientation, and he is going to be an RA next year
RA/BFF: ooo!! adorable
ME: yes heeehee
ME: but the thing is, I don't really want a boyfriend right now and I don't know if he likes me back anyway
RA/BFF: nothing wrong with that
ME: I feel like a lot of people are like "omg let's get BOYFRANNNS" and I'm like "mmm not so much"
RA/BFF: nah that's todo bueno
RA/BFF: i didn't want a boyfriend either
RA/BFF: mine just happened
ME: sweet deal!
RA/BFF: and he is awesome so i guess i will keep him :) hehe
ME: I figure when I am ready to be girlfriend material it will happen then
RA/BFF: relationships mean more when you're in them not just to be in one anyway...y'know what i mean??
ME: yeah!
ME: I feel like it's so high school to be running around desperate for a boyfriend
RA/BFF: mhm agreed
RA/BFF: and random hookups are for hobags
ME: I like being my own woman right now, I have the next 3 years to focus on me!
Can I go home yet?
I live on an all-girls floor in a co-ed dorm. There's probably about 40 of us or so, and we share a laundry room with 2 washers and 2 dryers.
Due to laundry mix-ups at the beginning of the year, the RAs put laminated cards on each machine and encouraged us to write our names/room numbers and the times at which we put the laundry in to keep people from dumping our shit on the floor.
But who remembers to carry an Expo marker back and forth from their room to the laundry room for 2 or 3 loads of laundry?
Roomie's mom is a teacher and gave us a ton of extra Expos for our white board, etc. But I put one in the laundry room with delusions of grandeur that we could all share and not screw each other's laundry up.
Naïve little girl.
Some a-hole stole my marker!
So, being the kind, forgiving (okay, too lazy to carry my own marker) soul that I am, I put another one in the laundry room.
It's gone.
Fuckers.
Due to laundry mix-ups at the beginning of the year, the RAs put laminated cards on each machine and encouraged us to write our names/room numbers and the times at which we put the laundry in to keep people from dumping our shit on the floor.
But who remembers to carry an Expo marker back and forth from their room to the laundry room for 2 or 3 loads of laundry?
Roomie's mom is a teacher and gave us a ton of extra Expos for our white board, etc. But I put one in the laundry room with delusions of grandeur that we could all share and not screw each other's laundry up.
Naïve little girl.
Some a-hole stole my marker!
So, being the kind, forgiving (okay, too lazy to carry my own marker) soul that I am, I put another one in the laundry room.
It's gone.
Fuckers.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
*Sigh*
My brain feels like it's about to explode. Not sure why. I would say it's due to lack of sleep, but, well, I went to bed at ten last night and awoke at six thirty this morning. That's...eight and a half hours of sleep. More than enough to make a person chipper and happy as a freaking clam the next day. Or so it would seem.
Instead, I stand here in the library, not sit, stand, and listen to stupid people approach the information desk. "Um, I'm looking for a book." ...Really now...I don't think they have any of those here. Maybe if you look in a building that wasn't made specifically for that purpose, you'll have better luck.
It ticks me off when people in my supposed Social Advocacy classes say things about people with disabilities that are completely out of line and stupid. For example.
"Do you think any of the students who are coming into our class will talk in front of a crowd, Nick?"
"Well, they all, like, talk. Cuz, you know, they're all, like, higher."
Higher. I don't think she was talking about their functional level, genius, I think she was talking about how shy they will be.
*Sigh*
Instead, I stand here in the library, not sit, stand, and listen to stupid people approach the information desk. "Um, I'm looking for a book." ...Really now...I don't think they have any of those here. Maybe if you look in a building that wasn't made specifically for that purpose, you'll have better luck.
It ticks me off when people in my supposed Social Advocacy classes say things about people with disabilities that are completely out of line and stupid. For example.
"Do you think any of the students who are coming into our class will talk in front of a crowd, Nick?"
"Well, they all, like, talk. Cuz, you know, they're all, like, higher."
Higher. I don't think she was talking about their functional level, genius, I think she was talking about how shy they will be.
*Sigh*
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